Category Archives: DISPATCHES & RAMBLINGS

THE TURN

 

We all know the turn. Its that point when everything shifts -often in a significant way. In the book where the protagonist is seemingly losing whatever battle has been waged but then some event occurs and that underdog is now moving ahead.  Optimists look for the positive upswing, pessimists know there will always be a downswing.

In the ebb and flow of most things the turn occurs and when it is a dramatic turn well that’s something we can’t take our eyes away from.

Usually most of us will have an interest in some big world events that are going well or not, and at the same time some personal things, health, happiness, financial security, love, that will be going well or not, but the whole thing is a mixture of some aspects getting better and some getting worse. It keeps us on an even keel psychologically.

But every now and again a lot of stuff will turn so powerfully bad that its hard to see the elements that have remained positive.

Donald Trump has really shaken me.  I am losing count of the new American States that Trump is musing about annexing: Canada – 51st , Greenland – 52nd , Panama Canal 53rd , Mexico 54th , Palestine with Gaza as 55th and West Bank as 56th or are they to be 55A and 55B?

And this of course to be part of the United States that are not really that “United”.

And how are these states to be treated – like they currently treat Puerto Rico?  YIKES!

While this is going on down here on earth, the Musk Monster is musing about which planets should also be annexed.

And those employees at USAID who had dedicated their careers to trying to have a positive outreach for the U.S. are now about to be unemployed. The incremental inroads the United States has made in outreach in a treacherous world over decades was wiped out with the stroke of a sharpie. This is one of the organizations that kept events like 9/11 from happening much earlier. At this point every month of hardship created by actions like Israel and the U.S. destroying Gaza is pushing more young men to be prepared to die for the cause of fighting America.

So why am I going on with such a perspective that is all about the negative. Well, there is not much that is positive right now. As I age, I am increasingly seeing friends health change quickly. One day they are thriving and the next struggling to survive from one condition or another. Another big example is climate. In a relatively short period of time our planets health has swung from coping to perilous.

Oh, oh, I can feel a metaphor coming on……

 

THE TURN

Newfallen snow,

Lovingly rolled,

And assembled.

Now reduced

To a tophat

And carrot

In a pool of water.

 

 

But perhaps I have just tuned in to the movie at the wrong point. Things were bad, then they got worse, then another level of worse …… and now perhaps…… the turn.

Django

THE LOSS OF A FRIEND

Posted: Feb 1, 2025

This business of learning to be a human is tough work.  Last week I turned Seventy-One and I am still learning the right and wrong way to be. At my little birthday celebration, a friend of many years decided to say some very upsetting things to me and about me. She had consumed a good amount of alcohol but that just loosened her lips – the thoughts were already swirling around in her brain before she started drinking.

I was gutted. She was not a partner or sibling or child of mine or one of the people who I would put in my top five closest friends. But she certainly was someone I saw as a friend, enjoyed her company and respected her thoughts.

The loss of someone who matters to you is a big deal. I have had friends who are divorced who are living happily today in a new relationship but still feel the loss of the marriage, and the loss of the shared memories with their old partner. For some it has been compartmentalized and they move on and focus on the here and now, but for others that loss moves with them like a shadow.

Friends with siblings they are estranged from, or children or parents they are estranged from often are like this.  I have seen it with one of my buddies who became estranged from his sister and never reconciled before she died. The pain of that just lingers, and I can’t imagine kids not having a relationship with parents or vice versa.

Now I am not talking about the cases where someone has turned out to be a monster or who has willfully set out to harm the other person but most of these situations are not that – they are very conventional, garden variety disputes between people who otherwise would have an ongoing relationship.

So how do I learn from this and move forward? Well, the adult thing to do is to apologize to her for whatever it is that I said or did to make her so upset. I am quite opinionated and at the drop of a hat will opine on many topics, some of which I really do know about and can add some value to the conversation and others, well not so much.  The friend who was so upset with me is much the same. When our thoughts are in sync, its fine but at times if not in sync the dialogue can go off the rails.

I did try to apologize at the time but she was too worked up so will try that again at one point so we might go forward with some level of relationship. But with that said, some things once said, can not be unsaid, so while I will apologize for whatever it was that I did to upset her, I know the relationship will never be the same.

In a volatile world with so many challenges ahead of us, it is our relationships that are more important than ever, and I am starting my seventy- first year down one, but the silver lining is for me that in future this experience has taught me to dial back sharing my opinions as often or with such vigor. It is important to learn from every experience.

Django

KNOWNS, UNKNOWNS, KNOWN UNKNOWNS, UNKNOWN KNOWNS & THE KNOCK ON THE DOOR

POSTED: January 1, 2025

A few nights ago, I had a call from my buddy Jim. He was ranting on about moving to cash. Apparently if you have any investments this is something you do when you think the investment world is at a turning point. While it may affect me if the investment world is at a turning point, it is not something I can really do anything about as all my investment funds are tied up in perishable foods for the week in my pantry.

But for him, this is a big deal. Like me, he is seventy, and while he has travelled a different path we have both seen ups and downs in the world, whether armed conflict, recessions, political coups and regime change and of course a major pandemic and the erosion of the atmosphere. But his income is derived from the investments he has made, not from a pension or government assistance or doing any work for an income, so there is some pressure to not get it wrong. So while he was chattering on about leading indicators, fundamentals, break up values and the like I was able to translate this to mean he was anticipating THE KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

Because we go back so far as friends, I think this term originated with the risk, while sitting in one of our bedrooms, smoking, or looking at magazines we should not have had, or drinking something pilfered from one our parents alcohol cabinets, that there would be the knock on the door from a parent.

For us, the term was just reduced to The Knock, but the definition remained the same – a term for anticipating that somewhat foreseen event, with unknown timing that would change the direction of future events. Of course, the term has literal and very negative applications for fallen military and police personnel, but there are good examples as well. Certainly, every woman I have known who is in her third trimester of pregnancy has a bag packed and by the door ready for the quick trip to the hospital for the big event.

But most often the unknown timing of whatever the event is, poses a problem. Friends who are very elderly know what is to come, and usually make a lot of preparations ahead as they don’t know when that knock on the door will come but that it is inevitable, and with the passage of time its inevitability becomes more certain.

Like many things in life, its all about the preparation. If the knock is a power failure for example its best to have some non- perishable foods put aside to get you through several days and some cash as your credit cards wont work.

And yes, this heavily relates to the Jahori Window from the work of the psychologists Luft & Ingham in the 1950s and the heavy use of the terms known knowns, unknown knowns and unknown unknowns at Nasa, that Rumsfeld repeated in his speech to the U.S. Department of Defense when trying to justify an attack to find weapons of mass destruction. A knock on the door is foreseeable (a known unknown) in some cases, like living in a hurricane zone in hurricane season, the only variable is when it might occur, in contrast to an uncharted meteorite which is an unknown unknown.

This conversation, like many with my buddy Jim involved considerable time, and with me in Malta and him in Toronto occur at strange hours of the day to be consuming a fair bit of wine so sometimes the wine is consumed at one end of the line and coffee or tea at the other. This one involved wine on both ends so the discussion of known knowns and unknown knowns regarding a knock on the door takes on a special dimension when wine is involved.

At our age we are both grappling with the meaning of everything and how it fits in the world – an ever-changing world.  In this case our big epiphany (I expect self evident to anyone else) was that while it is important to be prepared as much as possible for various things that might be a knock on the door, it is equally important to recognize that we can not anticipate some of those things – a negative medical diagnosis for example – so we need to very much live in the moment. Yes, make plans for the future and yes be organized for those predictable risks that we can foresee, but enjoy the moment, and the people we are with.

We have a whole fresh start on the year. I am going to make 2025 a memorable one, and hope you do as well.

Django

STORM CLOUDS

POSTED: DEC 1, 2024

The U.S. election happened. The worst thing occurred and yet the sun came up the next day. The election of Trump was so clearly a win for so many who want the world to go back to an awful place, where we pollute at will, don’t let women make their own choices in reproductive health, exploit the lower and middle class to benefit the wealthy, and only help those who are being oppressed if there is something in it for us.  Its hard not to talk about it.

But I am going to try to not talk about it much. Trump is a monster – that’s clear. But he was elected by the majority of those who voted. To some extent that tells us that the American electorate is very self interested. Seeing the exit polls, in many cases, for many it also came down to people being upset with inflation and the cost of living and the only thing they can do is to vote against the person in power.

Yes, there were other factors: the terrible management of Israel’s bombing of their neighbours with seemingly no guardrails, and worse, America as a co-conspirator;  a decision to run (at the 11th hour) a replacement candidate who was not the best the Democratic Party had to offer and without the usual soul searching and clearing of the air, that occurs with a leadership convention; and an electorate tired of inflation, uncertainty and not getting ahead. This is the case around the world of course and has little to do with the Biden Administration. Every responsible country tried to bail out the individuals, businesses and institutions that needed it during the pandemic and that money was printed by each government and today, we have inflation as a result. We all want the goodies but we don’t want to pay the price. The classic question the party not in power  loves to ask in times like these  is “are you better off now than before the existing leader took office?” Well of course not. It will take decades to work our way out of the debt/inflation we created to solve that short term crisis.  So, if you are in power at the time of rapid growth, job creation and stability, you will probably get re-elected whether you had anything to do with those things or not and if you were in power when the economy needed bailing out, your term will be short.

But the nature of democracy is that everyone gets to vote. They don’t have to justify their decision, or even show up to vote to be part of the society affected by the decisions. Over a third of the eligible voters did not bother coming out to vote for what was clearly an important time in history. Less than a third of eligible voters chose Trump and even few than voted for Kamala Harris. For a country that presents itself as the beacon of democracy, that beacon is pretty dim.

It may seem that I am able to put this in perspective. I am not. The world is a mess, and it is now about to spiral downward with an irresponsible person in the Kremlin, and an irresponsible and less predictable person in the White House, a war criminal running Israel, China just waiting to choose its timing, and most other governments scrambling to satisfy their unhappy citizens. In my own country of Canada there is a strong movement to the right and no shortage of bad decisions occurring. It will get worse of course with Canadas largest (by far) trading partner now run by a bad real estate developer.

I am part of the generation that was going to fix things. Over the decades even though progress has been slow on human rights, minority representation and only limited progress on the environment, the sawtooth has had a slightly positive slope until the pandemic and we now appear to be sliding backward.

I watched a bird recently trying to make its way in terrible weather. It tried without success to fly strait to where it wanted to go and kept getting pushed back. I was sure it would lose its strength but then it attacked the wind on the diagonal and used the winds power to gain altitude and then gravity to gain forward movement. In sailing terms the bird was tacking but able to do it not in a two dimensional world like us on the sea, but in the three dimensions of the sky.

So, what are we to do about this world we are now in? I don’t really know other than  as individuals making good personal decisions every day. In my case I will hug the people I love, treat all respectful people with respect, and continue to support the causes that matter in the communities I can influence.  And try to apply tacking where I can.

Django

A single bird tries to weather the storm

IN THE MOMENT

POSTED: NOVEMBER 1, 2024

The combination I have of loving to cook and not having much extra cash means I am rarely out to dinner at a restaurant. But a couple weeks ago I decided to splurge and take Captain Ciera out for a nice dinner at a place here in Malta that is one of the best in town. It has some traditional meals of the region but is more focused on current food trends but of course works with lots of the local fish as well. Its much more upscale than I would frequent even if I had the income, and its market is more celebration than consumption. So, among the various locals who were there celebrating anniversaries or other life milestones, and business people out with clients, there were a few (very few) tourists.

We were seated very close to a tourist couple who were obviously American. Now many who come to Malta are not really tourists in the traditional sense. Many people come for a month or a season and really become entrenched in the place. Some come year after year as an alternative to their climate in northern Europe or elsewhere. This couple looked like that type who were not just off a cruise ship or here for a week, but were very comfortable with the community. What made them look American was exclusively his wardrobe and demeanor. She was very nicely dressed, and had prepped for the night out. He was in shorts, running shoes and a T shirt and after a few minutes took off his baseball cap.  He also was very relaxed about everything and whenever he wanted something would not wait for his server to come by but just snatch the attention of any staff member close by.

The lesson of not judging a book by its cover it seems I need to learn over and over. While he was inappropriately dressed and his behaviour was not up to the standards of most restaurants let alone a premium one, once we chatted with them that book cover lesson came back into the picture. He had asked about the Seabass dish on my plate and we got to talking.

It turns out that their home was Tampa Florida. Now this was October 8th and the news was all about the pending impact of Hurricane Milton that was expected to make landfall the next day as a Category 3 hurricane, or potentially a Category 4 and the forecast was a direct hit on Tampa. I guess the look on my face gave away the fear in my mind for the loss they would incur, and at about the same time Captain Ciera expressed that they seemed very calm about what was to come. And that is when they shared with us their story.

She had been a teacher for most of her working life and he was in investments. When she retired she became a personal trainer. But the real story was that over the years she had been diagnosed with cancer four times and beat it each time. With each iteration however they learned to live more in the moment and after this last battle decided to take a big trip to Europe for several months and do some of the things they had always wanted to do. One was to walk the Camino Portugues section of the Camino de Santiago. This section of that walking trail is 268 km (167 miles) long and starts in Porto, Portugal and goes north along the coast into Spain. It was clear that they were both in their late seventies or early eighties, and part of the fun of this trip was about sixteen days of arduous walking! Yes, some great views along the way but it is getting that eighty-year-old body out there every day for many hours on your feat on what is not always a flat, or a regular surface and regardless of the hot sun or the rain.

This was only one of the things they were taking on when in Europe. Another one that surprised me was skinny dipping in the Blue Grotto in Malta. The trip was for many months and involved living in Portugal for a month, and about a month in each of Malta, Italy, France, Croatia and the U.K. At the end they had a transatlantic cruise booked to take them back to Florida.

They explained that if you have stared down death a few times, the loss of a building, even your home, while upsetting is not the worst thing that can happen. They had learned to focus on the activity they were doing right now – hiking, seeing, dining …..whatever the activity was, might be the last thing you do, so you should savour it. And with that they focused on their dinner, as the here and now is what really matters, instead of watching the news and getting wound up about losing their home.

This chance encounter really shook me up and left me somewhat inspired. I have bumped into some obstacles in my time, largely of my own making, but have never really been challenged on an existential level. This couple, who one might think would be burdened by the aging process, or the risk to their home, where so many memories had been made and kids had been raised, were just enjoying a wonderful meal on a vacation they had designed to do many of the things they thought would be wonderful life experiences.

When the next day I watched the coverage of Hurricane Milton making landfall on the Gulf Coast of Florida, and seeing the way so many lives would be changed forever, I knew two people who would not only survive the storm, but grow from the experience of coming out the other side of that challenge. I am seventy years old and continue to learn that lesson of using all your life experiences to help you put things in perspective and to cope, and part of that is to enjoy the activity you are doing at the time.

Django

RIPLEY

POSTED: October 1, 202

My last post took us all down the nasty dark gutter of current American politics. Well now I need to crawl back up to the light. At least somewhat up to the light as I recently watched a Netflix series Ripley.  For those who have seen it, well you won’t learn anything new from me. I am not a film critic or even a very astute film afficionado, but damb it has been a long time since I have seen a film of this quality.

It is a remake… and not. The story was written back in the nineteen fifties by Patricia Highsmith and was made into a film in 1960. She was already well known for her book Strangers On A Train that Hitchcock did such a great job on.

About forty years later, The Talented Mr. Ripley reappeared as a film and introduced another generation to this story and author. In both of these films the settings in Italy deserved character credits. That later film I enjoyed when it came out in 1999. It was disturbing and dark when so many films were becoming more formulaic and fluffy.

But this interpretation is its own version. Steven Zaillian wrote and directed it and by the looks of the final version was allowed to realize a cohesive product that appears to have minimal damage to his creative vision. Andrew Scott as Tom Ripley is in virtually every scene and from the start has us under his creepy spell. It has gone back to a black and white format but instead of doing it just for a measure of the time period, the greyscale depth and lighting has been used to create a different dimension. Think of the difference between looking at a low pixel digital image in comparison with an Ansel Adams silver print.

And like those Ansel Adams prints, every shot has been crafted as a setting, a scene, an image in its own right, not just a background for the characters to interact in, or in front of. As a start it works with some very nice settings in Rome, Atrani and Venice. The lighting is as big a character as any in this film. And part of that cinematography involves hanging on an image as if to say “hey, this is important, can you see the missing clues?”

Within this film noir, the makers also have had fun with homage – there are scenes reminiscent of the absurd Fellini scenes from Amarcord, and many Hitchcock moments. John Malkovich appears in a small role and had been in a 2002 film featuring this character, Ripleys Game.

The film is also quite an allegory for our times today. A shallow and immoral but very sly  imposter taking over the identity of a person, and half of the characters in the film see him for the monster he is, and everyone else buying into the ever changing narrative he spins.

If you have not seen this film, it is a miniseries on Netflix well worth your time.

Django

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION, DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION, and THE OLYMPICS

POSTED: September 1, 2024

Regular readers of my posts will know that sometimes I like to dive into topics like recipes, or little experiences with nature or some small epiphanies I have had regarding insignificant things. For those of you who like a diet of these light sweet morsels this post is not that. I have prepared for you the equivalent of a large beer mug full of battery acid.

Yes, today we are back to talking politics.

Like a lot of people, I watched some of the coverage of the Republican National Convention. I was not alive in January 1933 but imagine it was much the same as being in Germany at that time. Backroom deals, deceit, backstabbing and a lot of  “othering”.  Well by most accounts the takeover by Hitler of that party was not nearly as nasty as what has happened to the Republican party since Trump came on the scene. The absence at this convention of most of those seasoned Republican politicians both past and present, including George W. Bush was telling. I have never been a supporter of the ideas of this party, but in the past, their right of centre philosophies stayed within the bounds of the law, conventions of polite behaviour and some sense of morality. The turnover of power from George W. Bush to Barak Obama has been well documented as very respectful and helpful by the incoming President. Contrast that to the activities of January 6th 2021, when the Trump supporters stormed the Capitol.

The RNC convention was difficult to fathom. One lie would pile on top of another and I was wondering if one of them would start to argue that gravity was a conspiracy created to keep Trump from soaring to the heavens. It would have been hilarious to watch if this was not a person who really might win office again.

So yes, for most of us these are the bad guys and the only ones in that party who are not bad are too weak to do anything.

There is a little lag for me in watching these conventions as I am not in the same time zone, but beyond that I just cant take more than about an hour a day of this stuff so I tape them and watch little segments as I can, usually in the evening or if its raining. So the gap in when I finished watching the RNC and the start up of the DNC was not very long. It was also because I had taped a lot of the coverage of the Olympics and would watch segments of it to clear my head of all the politics to watch these incredible athletes do their stuff.

The truth is I actually binged on the Olympics between watching these two political events. Most Olympic events are only subject to accurate timing, not subjective elements. And most are not dealing with complex topics. There may be a lot of complex elements that go into training and execution, but the outcome is measurable. In most cases the competitors are not really even competing with others but with their own ability to complete the task faster, or otherwise better as most of these events (at least the traditional track and field events) are non contact. I love the idea of the Olympics in bringing the world together. As an institution it has many problems, but has stood up fairly well in comparison with other organizations that have attempted to bring the world together to find some common interest to build relationships on.

So after my Olympic binging and a bit of a breather I moved on to the Democratic National Convention.

Now Joe Biden claims that he really had no intention of stepping down until the point when he did. I don’t think so. This lad has been a politician all his life. He as found ways to find consensus when it wasn’t on the table and to get many skeptics to come to his way of thinking long before Donald Trump was on the scene. And I say that with respect.  A big part of the job of any leader is to find some consensus to move forward with plans, and in politics that often involves consensus where many parties are on the record of being in another camp on the topic.

My take is that this shrewd, seasoned old politician knew his time was up but waited until the Republicans had used up all their air time to swing the Democratic Party into full gear. And man have they done that. Watching the Democratic National Convention was such an amazingly orchestrated, flawless production of hype and hope I was practically standing at attention and singing the Star-Spangled Banner myself.

Well not quite. While moved by the personal stories, told by some great orators, many of the usual things that have hurt the American society kept being chanted. The notion of locking up the bad guys, praising not just veterans but the notion that being the biggest, best equipped miliary in the worlds history will create true happiness on the streets of some burned out town in Ohio, is what I expect of that other party, not the Democrats. Any talk of even a hint of Bernie Sanders social justice,  equalization, and tax reform was gone.

And that’s to put a polite spin on it. Only after days of these rousing speeches was there any reference to this parties disastrous handling of Israel’s attempt to eliminate Gaza. Yes, Israel is an ally of the United States and of most democracies. And yes, Hamas initiated this war and took hostages and killed many innocent Israelis. But the behaviour of Israel over the decades with respect to “settling” the west bank, and the economic squeezing they have done to Gaza needs to be remembered.  A wife who has been subject to continuous acts of abuse at the hands of her husband who finally rises up and puts some kitchen scissors in his gut will never be convicted by a jury of her peers. This terrible act by Hamas needed a response, but that response also needed to be a reset of the relationship, not the annihilation of the Palestinian people.

But what is an ally to do? If I am at a party with a good friend who has had too much to drink, I would give him or her a hug, tell them I love them and that for their own safety and the safety of others I am taking away their car keys. Someone needs to be the adult in the room. Netanyahu was on the run from justice when this whole mess began. He has nothing to lose in blowing up the conflict to take the focus off his personal legal problems. So in that analogy of the intoxicated friend what the Biden administration did was not to take away the keys but instead they loaded up the car with more bottles and headed out to do some driving and when the booze would run out they would just buy more along the way. History will not be kind to this support.

When I was younger there were times, I actually thought the roll of a massive U.S. military was to be the world police. Well, if that’s the case Mr. Biden and his bunch have had their knee on the neck of Gaza and need to be stopped.

Kamala Harris has a great smile. I love that smile. I love her laugh. And I love her personal story. On many policy fronts she may bring some freshness to the challenges of running so huge a federation with such diverging challenges. But she can’t just take off the coat she was wearing when she was part of that group cheering on the drunk driver. Sorry Kamala, the other guys are nasty but you come with this baggage.

Fortunately, there are some inspiring and encouraging things I have taped to get this nasty political taste out of my mouth. The Paralympics are beginning.

Django

TULIP

POSTED: August 1, 2024

Last months post The Rose Garden was notionally about roses, but it was really about relationships, and this post is only sort of about a Tulip. You see Tulip is my friends Janice and Jims dog. As a family Janice, Jim, Jade and Jason have had a lot of pets: finches, canaries, love birds, a rabbit, lots of tropical fish and three dogs. While each of these have special places in their hearts and memories, the attachment to their dogs has been significant. I think this is pretty normal for dog owners.

Their first dog, Scamp, was something of a rescue. He was advertised as free to a good home by a family who could no longer care for him and there was quite the stream of people interested but Janice and Jim were the lucky recipients of this middle-aged cockapoo. Scamp lived for many years and was a big part of their lives, largely before they had kids. Scamp went to work with Janice at her fashion design business each day.

Then later, when the kids were young, Paddington, a big male Bearded Collie came along. If Disney designed a dog this would be it. Long brown shaggy fur, and big enough to mean business (about 27 kilos or 60 pounds) but enough of a softie to leave with kids. Paddington, like scamp spent a lot of time with Janice at her art studio, and then with Jim when he retired early. At fourteen he passed.

When Paddington passed it was not clear that Janice and Jim would get another dog. There was a big hole in their hearts and they were not about to artificially try to fill it with another pet. Then one day Janice posed the question – are we never going to get another dog? Jims fast response was that no, he would not say that. This led to the debate about just how old they would consider be prepared to care for a dog. Shortly thereafter they were on the lookout for another pup.

That pup, was Tulip.

Tulip acquired that name because as a Shapendoes, or Dutch Sheepdog, it seemed appropriate for her cultural heritage and her short form TULI was quickly adopted.

Tuli came along when the kids were university age. We tend to think of pets being significant to little kids, and of course they are, but for young adults they are equally important. Tuli has seen Jade and Jason through job changes, partners, different housing, tragedies and triumphs. Along the way a bit of Covid was thrown in of course.

When I first started writing this little piece I had thought I would do a bit of a chronology of how this 13 kilogram (28 pound) dog affected all of their lives but no one wants to read tens of thousands of words – particularly on a computer screen, and especially written by me! Suffice it to say she was very loved and important part of their family and will be very missed.

I will let some pictures tell the story.

Django

 

 

 

THE ROSE GARDEN

POSTED: July 1, 2024

In my last post I mentioned my annual calls to some moms that I don’t speak to much of the year, but use the Mothers Day trigger to call or email them and have a little update chat with. Sometimes with busy schedules it takes a while to connect and this week I had a wonderful conversation with an old friend from Canada. Beyond the usual updates of what has happened since our last conversation she told me this spring and summer she has been working on putting in a rose garden at her very nice back yard.

That back garden is in a very upscale neighbourhood and is of a fairly significant size for a major city, but the part of our conversation that was significant is that it was a rose garden. You see many years before (well almost two decades actually) she had ripped out the award-winning rose garden that was there when they bought the house. It had some very noteworthy varieties which she donated to the local garden club.

I never understood exactly why this dramatic removal had occurred, and thought it related to having more space for the kids to play, allergies, or the thorns around their active kids.

Well as it turns out it was none of those things. The big rip-out occurred because of an event involving a single rose. At the funeral of her husband’s dad, her sister-in-law created a lot of drama by giving out roses to people at the graveside ceremony but made an even bigger thing of the roses only going to blood relatives, so my friends husband and children received roses but not her. It was a bit strange but not life changing to not be included but it was a reflection of how her sister-in-law viewed her – some level of outsider, who would never be part of the family. It hurt at the time but as the months past and then the seasons as well,  she could not walk by the rose garden without those emotions bubbling up. With it in her backyard within sight of a large window overlooking it, this was an ongoing irritant, so she had decided to take it out and for several years her husband knew to not bring roses for Valentines Day or bring home a bouquet with even one rose in it.

But with time, and some events that involved that sister-in-law which illustrated her insecurities and nuances of her mental health, my friend started to be ready to take back her relationship with roses. She never had a relationship with her sister-in-law again but after a lot of years was now ready to have roses in her garden and contacted the local garden club who were more than pleased to give her cuttings from her original plants.

I have seen a lot of different examples of things that become symbols or a type of short form icons for events that have happened in families. Some are good, some, like this rose story, not so much.

A buddy and his family were traveling to Mexico for a vacation and one of his teenage daughters as a responsible young woman wanted to hold onto her own boarding pass. Shortly after going through security, she managed to misplace it and could not track it down for the gate. The protocols for missing boarding passes apparently are extensive, particularly once you have passed security, so the airline staff could not just print off another one and she was going to miss the flight. So her dad, did what dads do, and stayed back with her, bought two new expensive tickets on the only flight going in a short period of time to Mexico and he and his daughter flew to the “other” coast of Mexico on that flight, then rented a car and drove across the country to be with the rest of the family. The cost was huge, the time significant, and the frustration of similar magnitude. It is also not a recommended drive as there are many risks.

The teenage daughter went on to be a very disciplined and skilled professional, but ever since, when a member of that family is issued a boarding pass, their minds are instantly taken back to that experience.

When I was in high school, I loved cars and worked on them whenever I could. I was only mediocre at any of the mechanical stuff but developed some proficiency at body work. One summer I had taken over my parent’s small garage at the back of their house to work on a relatives little Honda S600. Now the S600 was a two-seater roadster that was very small and was Hondas first real outing to make something fun. It was powered by a 600cc motorcycle engine and had chain drive, not a conventional transmission, so was very much an evolution of their success in the motorcycle world. Even at that time, which was the early 1970’s this car from the sixties, while modest in scale and power was a bit of a collector car and I was tasked with doing some body work in preparation for it being repainted. It was not uncommon for friends to drop over and watch what I was doing and generally hang around. One day when I was packing up for the day a buddy, Myles asked if he could drive it into the garage and I said that would be fine but also commented that I didn’t think he had experience driving a standard transmission. The response was a classic “Oh sure, I can drive a stick”. Well, you know where this story is going. He had never driven a standard and smashed the car into the garage, creating about two weeks of work for me to correct. Ever since then for most of us in my backyard that afternoon, the statement “Oh sure, I can ___________” became the short form for wild exaggeration of your own skills.

A friends son one night was rummaging around in their chest freezer for a frozen pizza and was successful in his search, but in so doing forgot to put back the large collection of frozen lobster tails and shrimp he had taken out on his quest, that was waiting for a big family get together. The family still enjoys shellfish but the residue of that experience occasionally surfaces.

One that really resonated with me was a friend whose sister was almost a decade older than him and would love to pull out his report cards at Christmas dinner and read the terrible remarks about her younger brother from his teachers. Obviously, there was some nasty bit of psychology going on there. He is now estranged from her.

Everyone who has heard this story of course reels in shock but most people I know who are familiar with this story also now put report cards in a different category of significance. Yes they are a measure, but at a limited point in time, and the significance of the comments and the marks need to be considered with some level of respect and decorum as the after effect, if not managed properly have greater impact than the marks themselves.

And I think that is the point of my little ramble today – these experiences with friends or family that become short forms for specific activities or memories can be pulled up as mean-spirited triggers or thought of more fondly as bonds in our memories. We are all wired to try to make sense of bits of information put in front of us, and often these short forms capture that, much as a happy face emoji or thumbs up does. As I age I am trying to also reflect on what the memory would have been for each of the participants at the event not just my emotions at the time. I don’t know if that sister-in-law today would just hand out roses to everyone at the graveside for example.

And I do like the idea of my friend taking back the rose garden.

Django

NOT THE MOTHER’S DAY CALL I EXPECTED

POSTED: JUNE 1, 2024

Mother’s Day is a special time. We pull out the emotions we don’t show often enough and share them with the ones we love, or respect. Any regular readers of my posts will know I am not a dad and don’t have a partner or siblings. My Mothers Day experiences historically have been with my own mom and my grandmother. Both sadly passed many years ago. In recent times I have taken to calling those friends of mine I respect as moms just to tell wish them well and tell them I am thinking about them. I will often do it the day before, partially because of the time difference of my location Malta and many of them being in North America. It is also a day before the busy time of Mothers Day, and if the timing doesn’t work they call me back on their time and we can have a good chat. This was the case with my friend Janice who actually called me back the day after Mothers Day when she had more free time.

 

I know Janice pretty well, given she is the partner of my buddy Jim. Her Mothers Days always involve Jade and Jason over for the day, and often Jim makes a nice dinner and they do some things together. They do this every second Sunday so the significance of Mother’s Day is just that it is more focused on Janice than usual. This year, like others Jade always posts on social media an image of her and her mom doing something from when she was a kid. I always like that kind of remembrance as it brings to life the historical depth of the relationship. Also like some previous years Jade and Jason brought a number of flowers they thought their mom would like for the garden, perennials I think, and spent some time with their mom choosing the location and planting them.

 

 

 

But what was really on her mind, were some events that had happened during the week, largely involving Jim. I felt compelled to use the often-referenced quote of our high school principal when Jims name would come up “Oh, what has he done now?”

A few days before Mother’s Day he was planning his day around an outing to see his dental hygienist. He and Janice have a good relationship with Faye. She does a great job, and works in a very large and very good dental practice and they have been with for some time. It is a small world it seems as her grandfather started a major company making short helpful guides on various subjects for high school students. I used these guides myself.  Faye has a daughter and who is about nine and she and her partner are now expecting another baby. This is of particular interest to Jim has a sister who is nine years older than him and my other buddy Jim H. has a couple brothers, the youngest of which is also nine years older.  The dynamic of these siblings is always interesting to watch. There isn’t much competitiveness, as the age spread is so large its almost like having an aunt or uncle more than a sister or brother. Where there is jealousy its because by the time the younger one comes along the parents are now more mature and able to let the little stuff slide and they almost always are in a much better financial position so the family trips aren’t inexpensive camping trips in the car, but expensive trips to exotic locations and the meagre allowance has now become much more sizable.

Like me, Janice and Jim are getting older so need to have their teeth “detailed” as Jim says, about every four months so Jim had seen Faye just after she went public with her pregnancy and had a booking with her on her last day before her scheduled time for stopping work. While he was never really happy about his trips to the dental office this one he was looking forward to because he could get the final update on how things were progressing and the plans and wish her well.

It is with these thoughts that Jim was more than a bit put off when an event happened earlier in the day that put his dental outing at risk. Over breakfast he and Janice had watched a racoon come out from a patio table in their back garden that had not been uncovered from the winter and climb over a fence they share with a neighbour and head off to the neighbour’s yard. They were relieved to see she had left as it was Jims plan to uncover the table that day and start to do the spring yard work before his dental visit. He had just made his coffee and saw her return with a baby racoon in her mouth. Before he could collect his thoughts, she had crawled under the table cover with the little one. He called to Janice to come to see this but before Janice was out the mother racoon was off and over the fence again. This was not good. She was obviously relocating from where they had been born. Hopefully that was the entire family. Nope. The process continued for three more trips.

Janice is a very resourceful person and was on the phone with the municipal wildlife control people. They assured her that this was not their problem and that she should call a private wildlife control company. The answer there was not a very good one. Two different places she called were very clear that they could come and trap the mother and her kits, but that once they were released at a park the mother would bolt, the kits would be left on their own and either starve to death or be eaten by other animals. What the hell kind of mess had they fallen into here, they thought.

But one of the private wildlife people had made a good suggestion to encourage them to relocate to someplace in the yard that would not be so intrusive but still provide shelter and that would lead to the best possible outcome.

So once Jim saw the mom head out to get another one or to get food Jim took some gear and built them a little house in a corner of their yard.  It was an aluminum step ladder covered with a tarp and with a cardboard box below with little walls so the kits wouldn’t wander out. The next part I imagine was a bit scary. With some gloves on Jim gingerly opened the table cover to reveal the nest of babies and carried one of the little guys to the new home and went back for the next one. Once the cover on the existing nest under the patio table was exposed it was obvious there were six of them! One at time Jim did the gentle walk to their new home and placed them in the box. I was at number four when mom came back and hear the squealing from the new location and went under the tarp at the ladder house. There was no turning back now so Jim got the next one and brought it to within a few meters of their new home and set it down and went back for another. Thankfully mom heard its squealing and after making sure Jim had left came out and picked it up with her mouth and took it to the new nest. They repeated this routine until the job was done. On one of Jims trips to the drop point Janice snapped this photo. Their little eyes were not even open at that point!

 

While the drama of this was all pretty interesting Jim was at a terrible risk of not making his dental detailing appointment and called to tell the clinic he was on his way and would not be characteristically early but might even be a few minutes late. Apparently, someone had forgotten to call him to say that the appointment would need to be rescheduled with another hygienist at a future time as Faye had gone into labour and been rushed to the hospital. She and her baby boy were doing fine he was told.

Other than caring for their elderly dog Tuli, Janice and Jim have a life these days that is quite quiet and does not have big events, or even little events to liven it up much so this had been quite the day. The new nest was quite a novelty for the next few days but then there was no action around it at all. They were getting a bit stressed that she might have abandoned the nest altogether and on Mother’s Day morning gingerly pulled back part of the tarp hoping to not see a number of dead baby racoons. Nope. Nothing. Mom had relocated them to somewhere safer.

That night having a nice mothers day dinner they could hear the mom and her kits making noise from their new nest in a nearby park.

It was not the Mother’s Day conversation I thought I would have but it made my day.

Love you mom.

Django